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Fatherhood²: “…Just call 555-RATE-A-SANTA now!”

Posted on January 1, 2012March 3, 2018 by Henry Elliss

Our third attempt - Worst. Santa. EVER
I know the festive season is now drawing to a close, so I should probably save this post for next year, but hey – I’m far too impatient for that. So instead, consider this the germ of an idea that I might well turn in to reality by next Christmas…

As is probably traditional in a lot of family households, the lead-up to the festive season included a couple of attempts at taking Robert to “meet” Father Chrismtas at one of his local hide-outs.

Our first attempt was what we assumed would be a sure-fire bet for a good Santa – John Lewis in Reading. We’d seen it advertised in a number of places, and I don’t mind admitting my first thought was “John Lewis is a classy-enough store – they’re bound to have a good Santa’s Grotto”. How wrong was I – when we got there it turned out this Santa is what’s apparently known in the trade as a “Roaming Santa” – in other words, no grotto, just a Santa wandering the store saying hello to the little’uns. We couldn’t even find the bugger – so we moved on.

Where to try next? The next biggest-department store in Reading, House of Fraser. No Santa there. So we headed to Debenhams, where signs around the Oracle centre had assured us we’d find a Santa. But once again, we were disappointed – this one wasn’t roaming thankfully, but he wasn’t exactly being treated in the manner in which you’d hope. He was perched on a chair next to the escalators, from where he could (at best) beckon-over any passing children and ask them what they wanted for Christmas. He was also a very measly-looking Santa – very thin, NHS specs and an average outfit. Robert actually ran away from him at first!

Christmas "around the world"
Our final attempt was the next day, at what we’d been assured was a BRILLIANT Santa – he even had a grotto, AND reindeer. His location this time was the Henry Street garden centre near Reading, and first signs seemed promising – we queued for almost an hour, winding slowly through a (hideous) “Christmas around the world” display made from bizarre animatronic gnome/elf/things (see photo for proof!). You also had to PAY for this Santa – a reasonable £5, which also covered a present at the end of the “experience”.

If I said that this Santa was poor, it’d be an over-statement. To be fair to our friends that recommended it, there were actually TWO Santas at the end of the queue – which explained how they managed to see so many people reasonably quickly, which had confused me a lot in the queue! So it may well be that they saw another Santa, or perhaps they work in shifts. Either way, our Santa was utterly pants – Really obvious fake beard, no affinity with children, a grumpy attitude and an Australian accent. He sat there like a lemon while Robert tried to make the best of it – he didn’t even seem to know what to ask Robert, offering up a “So, I guess there’s some things you want for Christmas, eh? Er, Robert?”.

We stayed for a few minutes, during which Sara and I shifted uncomfortably and even Robert seemed to want to leave very quickly – which we soon did, armed with a plastic fishing game and a slightly puzzled toddler. Even the reindeer seemed disappointed, wandering round in their pen like they’d been there for decades. All-in-all, a very disappointing experience.

All of which lead me to the conclusion that finding a good Santa to take your children to is a VERY tricky business. Somebody needs to invent some sort of comparison site for Father Christmas / Grottos. Or maybe a version of “Check a Trade” whereby you can submit your own reviews for other families to read before they decide.

If nobody has come up with the solution by next summer, I reckon I’m going to have to start building it myself…

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  • father christmas
  • fatherhood
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  • 2 thoughts on “Fatherhood²: “…Just call 555-RATE-A-SANTA now!””

    1. Whit says:
      January 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm

      That’s a good idea. A site that rates Santas! Most of the malls in the US have pretty fancy displays and fairly realistic versions of St. Nick. That’s the plus side to our obesity problem.

    2. Henry Elliss says:
      February 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm

      I think we need to import some rotund US Santas in that case – most of ours are dire…

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